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First I have to begin with saying how honored I am to have been invited to contribute to this beautiful community. I have been through some quite trying things along my journey, and I am sure that one of my life goals is sharing what helped me so it may be something that can help you as well.
Growing up, my household was one of negativity – darkness – abuse & rage. My earliest memories aren’t very pleasant. My father was very dark, very ‘I’m the king’ mindset. My mother was very scattered, very ‘I follow along’. My siblings were children who ignored and avoided.
I was the child who confronted. Who called out lies and wrongdoings. Who insisted upon answers when I didn’t understand.
In my household, when told “because I said so”, you got hit if you insisted you deserved a better explanation.
I was the only who who insisted.
I was, to my memory, the only one who got hit.
I would watch my Mom and Dad go at it. I would be very upset, and rush to their fight, shoving myself in the middle screaming things like “STOP PUSHING MOM” or “LEAVE HER ALONE”. What happened?
The violence was turned on me.
I was never a child who cowered, cried or caved. I stood tall, screamed, yelled back and fought. That’s all I knew. That’s all I had ever seen.
I knew nothing of conversation. Meaningful, deep, compassionate conversation. I had never been shown what a safe place to emote was like. Expecting a discussion to a question was a joke. It was all negative, upsetting, harmful.
By the time I was 8 years old, I began self injuring. It was the only way I knew to escape the pain inside. When I was in a physical fight with my Dad, and my Mom and siblings would rush in and scream to me things like “this is all your fault” or “look what you did”, it sat inside my soul and destroyed me. To quote the film Girl, Interrupted: “I hurt the thing on the outside to kill the pain on the inside.”
I began drinking at around 13/14, began taking pills around 14/15, and by the time I was 15/16 years old… I was a drug addicted alcoholic.
I didn’t even know that was possible. I truly didn’t.
There was a line of alcoholism in my family, but it was never spoken about. There was also a line of drug addiction. Never spoken about. My family liked to, on all fronts, not talk about anything and hoped it or they went away. However it happened, we show you ‘we’re fine’. We show you the picket fence, and vehemently deny anything else. Get angry at the ‘else’ instead.
When I was in middle school, a teacher reported seeing my arms sliced up. Calling my parents, my Mom was the denial queen. She denied, yelling at the school. I denied it too, but when I got home I felt like I should come clean.
In retrospect, it was me asking for help.
I told my Mom I had been cutting myself and she – not surprisingly, honestly – flipped out.
“What’s the matter with you?! You’re saying you do that disgusting thing?! No child of mine cuts themselves. That’s disgusting. What the hell are you, some freak?! A freak cuts themselves. That’s who, a freak. Because you have it so bad don’t you?! God you’re so ungrateful…”
It went on and on. I became increasingly more violent, being suspended almost every week (almost expelled in each school, each grade, each year). I had been in trouble with the police, I had been arrested, and by the time I got to high school all the faculty assumed I’d be in jail before I graduated (at the time I didn’t know this, I was told this by a principal a year or so after I graduated and I saw him somewhere).
When I was almost 16, I got into the worst fight I’ve ever gotten into with my Dad. Throwing me around, cursing, hitting, choking, back hands… On both parts. Is abuse ever a child’s fault? No. Did I take any of it? No. I fought just as hard right back.
I was left with a black eye that my teacher saw the next day. The school called Child Protective Services and sent agents out to my parents jobs, and my siblings schools to interview everyone about my black eye and what goes on in our house.
When I came home, my Mom was waiting for me and boy did I get it.
“What’s the matter with you?! Do you know how embarrassing that was for us?! For your siblings?! What’s your problem?!”
I decided then and there that I didn’t want to live in this world anymore.
I couldn’t imagine how I could spend any more time in an environment where I was constantly being abused, and no one was helping me? Anywhere. No one. Not relatives who knew (no one really spoke to each other anyways), no one in my home… I was utterly alone. And I didn’t want to live that pain anymore.
It was officially my 16th birthday when I took myself into my bathroom, sat in the bathtub, cut myself for hours, wrote all my suicide notes, and began taking every pull we had around the house.
This is where my awakening begins.
I’ll tell you my perspective at that moment, what happened, then what I found out later.
As I was in the middle of taking these pills, something came over me. A complete and total out of body experience. No, it wasn’t any effect of the pills. It was my soul being set aside.
I hadn’t believed in absolutely anything before. No spiritual anything, no religious anything. No beings, no energy, nothing. Because in my mind, at the time, had those things existed… Then I would feel loved. Then I wouldn’t be enduring this abuse, this pain, this torture.
As my soul was set aside, I was truly a witness to myself and my behaviors. My mouth opened, and I began saying things like, “Angels, please help me. I don’t want to be in pain anymore, but I can’t live like this. Please fix me and my life.”
Suddenly, this deep warmth came over me. This feeling of love so deep and profound to the core of my being. A feeling I have never, ever felt before.
I felt something envelop me. Some power, some force, some – at the time – ‘thing’ I couldn’t explain. I didn’t know what it was, but for the first time I felt safe. For the very first time, I felt loved.
I stopped crying, I stopped taking pills, and as if I was sucked back into my body and going on auto-pilot I automatically flushed the remainder of the medication.
I felt this weird calm. This peace that at the time I didn’t even know was peace. Tranquility. Everything wasn’t different, but somehow for the first time I knew that everything would be okay.
Upon exiting the bathroom, my Mom came up to me and hugged me. Crying, begging for my forgiveness. “I am so sorry. I have been a horrible mother. I am so sorry, please forgive me.”
Speaking from what I felt at the time was another place entirely, I said, “It’s okay Mom, you didn’t know any better.”
Where did that come from?
Normally, the April before would have still been in so much upset and anger and pain I would have just shoved her away and told her to eff off (not pleasant, but keep in mind – 16 and stuck in this negative reality).
Where did that come from?
From that moment on, I felt like new perspectives and insights were being downloaded into me. Things I have never heard, seen, or been around anyone discuss before. Things I had no single clue where they came from.
One piece of information that was handed to me during what I now call my soul-recovery that has been spoken of many other places but I offer anyone here today who may have a similar story: Your parents did the best they could.
When I heard that (I now know I heard it), it floored me. Did they, really? I also heard to look into their history. When I did, I was heartbroken.
My Dad was abused in some of the worst ways. He was beaten with baseball bats, he had food thrown at him, he was mocked and ignored and pushed around and told he was worthless. His abuse, to be very honest, was much much worse than mine.
My Mom was abandoned. Basically. At as young at 8 she was left to ‘figure it out’ in a home where no one was home. No one really communicated, no one really cared.
Her and my Dad were told constantly by their parents to “get over it” and “stop complaining”. So, how was I supposed to expect two people who were (are) still holding onto the pain of their childhood, still grasping their sobbing inner child, to figure out how to do better with their children?
Once I realized that, I came across more peace and understanding, forgiveness and compassion, than I’d ever had for my childhood and/or for them.
Once I was able to see them for what they didn’t talk about, what no one told me about their history, for them being two human beings who were flawed… My heart broke for them.
Beyond that aspect of my healing, I was still confused about many things.
I don’t remember much other than that, until I got fully clean and sober by myself with no therapy and no nothing by the age of 18-21. From everything. Drugs, drinking and self injury.
Things changed, people changed, and I didn’t even really fully understand why or how. I never spoke of my suicide attempt or what had happened – not being 100% sure of what even happened myself. Still not really believing in ‘anything else’, and still not really for sure believing my own account of it. I never had anyone to really discuss it with or ask questions, so I stayed silent.
When I turned 21, my whole life changed.
One day I heard, “Hey April.”
…where did that come from?
That was the first thing.
Then, I began having these insanely detailed dreams I would remember easily with people I couldn’t know, in places I couldn’t have been.
I began seeing orbs. First small, then big.
At first I thought I was going blind.
Then, I began seeing people.
Yes. Actual people.
And then Angels.
I would wake up to this insanely huge being of pure light next to me on my bed.
It was then, truly, the first spark of connection happened.
When that light being was beside me when I woke up, I felt the exact same peace and love I felt that night I attempted to take my life.
Coincidence? No. We know those don’t exist.
I mean, I could see it with my own two eyes. I know I’m not asleep, I’m clean and sober… This is real.
I met all kinds of people in my dreams and had all kinds of beautiful things happening to me through the days. I relied on Google to tell me what was happening to me, and really even that I didn’t necessarily 100% believe. But I couldn’t deny the people, dreams or voices. It was all good and positive, so I just rolled with it.
When I was about 22/23, I had a dream with this huge shadow man. He was realistically maybe 7 feet tall, about 3 feet wide, and one of his arms was the size of my entire body. He grabbed me, ripped me out of my dream, and I shot up in my bed. Birds chirping, sun shining, and he is standing right next to me.
I felt fear. Paralyzing fear and panic. Evil, negative, dread.
I said out loud, “Okay, I’m done with this stuff. Everyone leave me alone. I don’t want to see or hear anything anymore!”
Then, right away, I booked the very first reading I ever had with a psychic medium who came extremely highly recommended and regarded by the only awakened friend I had at the time.
Her name was Carrie, and she was absolutely amazing. She made my life make sense.
She explained to me exactly what had happened to me, and was happening.
She told me that the night I tried to kill myself, I was saved. My Guardian Angel (you can call them whatever you like, they all really mean the same thing, a light body of pure love) intervened and saved my life. It wasn’t my time, I had a lot to do, and their presence was requested.
Really? By who?
She said I had 18-22 past lives, and she walked me through most of them. Some of them I remembered having dreams about when I was very little, others made deep soul sense to me.
She told me I was a lightworker, and explained to me in complete detail what that was and what that meant. She told me I was clairaudient, claircognisant and clairsentient (with room for more), and she explained each parts of those for me.
She helped me understand how to control what I could. She introduced me to the people I had been dreaming about and explained to me that they’re spirit guides, what they do, so forth.
She reassured me that I have nothing to fear, and that I have a great mission here on earth. I was awakening. I was opening. I was beginning. I had been saved and helped along my journey by the Angels/light beings to find peace, I wasn’t alone, and part of the reason I couldn’t remember much is because – apparently – I was in the ‘space’ many mediums are in during readings. I was put in a space of downloading, changing, divine intervention.
I left feeling free. Sane. Peaceful. Healed. Cleared. I understood everything. I understood what everything that had ever happened to me meant. Like I was on the right path.
She sent me home with the book ‘Lightworker’s Source’ by Savannah Arienta on Archangel Michael’s request. I read it cover to cover in that same day, and learned even more about who I was, what my mission is, what was happening to me, why everything happened to me. It was like the big final download for the ‘aha moment’.
I went to share my experience with my Mom, and here’s where I found out what the ‘request’ part meant.
My Mom told me that that same evening, she called an old friend of hers who is a reverend and asked for her to ‘please do whatever you can to help April, Something is really wrong I can feel it’. Apparently they prayed and asked for Angels and light and love to come and help me.
With the law of ‘free will’, I’ve read and heard since then that a parent can pretty much speak for you and stuff when it comes to things like that. So in essence, my free will was overran by my Mom’s request for help on my behalf.
What I learned and I hope everyone can learn who may have walked where I have… You have a purpose. Your pain has a purpose. The word PAIN means Pay Attention Inward Now. What does it mean? What is it there to show you? How is this trying to build you into a better version of yourself? I know now. When we know better, we do better.
I have had dreams and desires of being an actress since I can remember. All I ever wanted to do was get the chance to play pretend and make a living with my passion. I moved out to California when I was in my early 20s, and what I will say is I am very grateful I had my awakening, sobriety and sense of self before that. Which I now know is such a tremendous blessing to have had at that time.
In a world where I wasn’t a person, I wasn’t a human being, I was a dollar sign… Plus the casting couch realities I kept being faced with… It came down to a battle between my soul or a job.
I chose to save my soul, moved back home, and began producing from a place of awakening and spirituality, and officially started my own YouTube channel and it’s inspirational series ‘The Magic Of’ this past January.
What I am doing now, today, I truly never (in my pain and addiction) believed was possible for me. I once didn’t believe I had a place, or a purpose… I now see that I do.
Look through the veil of pain and into the lessons. Look into what spirit, the great divine, the light energy, the universe, look at what it all wants to teach you. There is a reason behind everything.
My passion in this world is to help others. To create dreams and help people climb from the places I’ve been. I wouldn’t be able to do any of that had I not had the childhood I had. I wouldn’t be able to provide any inspirational or spiritual entertainment for anyone had I not gone through the things I did in Hollyweird. I wouldn’t be half of who or what I am now had I not experienced what I had experienced.
Now, I understand my thoughts created my things. When I changed my mind, and decided on recovery and was being assisted and downloaded… It was still hard, but it wasn’t impossible. It was the law of attraction before I knew what that was.
You are all so powerful. From the darkness ive seen to the light I live in now, there is so much good available to absolutely every single one of us.
I suspect the purpose of this message today is to be an example. An example of awakening. Spiritual awakening. Of meeting source, and allowing it to guide me through what were the worst of times.
I know we’re human. We have bad days. Bad things happen. That’s life, right? But no matter how bad it gets, you are possible.
You are love, you are light. You yourself are magic.
You’re a brilliant star shining on this world, in the lives of the people you know and love.
You aren’t a body with a soul, you are a soul with a body.
Isn’t that cool? It really is.
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