I couldn’t find your ask, but I have a question..
I got married at 18 to whom I thought was my soulmate(who was another indigo). We had so much fun at first but then I grew depressed and lonely because he was in the military and I had to drop everything to move…he in turn became distant, cold and cruel…he would answer with “I don’t know” and even put a lock on his phone because I found some disloyal stuff…one day I went on a trip to visit family and on the 3rd day of the visit he text me saying he was divorcing me and he had never put my name on the lease so I had no home to return to….he had already had me committed, I went to rehab, I took those awful awful medications that made my body so sick…I did EVERYTHING he asked of me..I did it all for us..but for a year he has ignored me and still a year after that text I still have no idea why he left or what I did…
So fast forward
An old friend of mine offered me a room in his place until I could get on my feet.. He never asked for money, sex, chores or anything. If he heard me crying for too long he would come into my room and just hold me for hours while I cried, without saying a word… One day I finally confessed to him that I was probably going to kill myself because of my depression and all the trauma I was dealing with in my brain…I couldn’t fight my demons, I was crying all the time and no one knew because I got a job and played the part so he would never know he hurt me….but my friend stayed by my side and refused to let me feel as though I was alone. He suggested I move to LA to follow my dreams, so for three months I saved and asked if he wanted to continue the adventure with me. He said yes and we eventually dated and he is the best guy ever….but he’s spiritually numb and I can’t feel his vibrations the way I felt my husband’s…. Its not the same, it all feels really artificial and like I’m trying to feel gaps and replace memories…My guy now is obviously what’s best for me, he takes care of me, he treats me so much better than my husband ever did, but its not the same.
My question is:
After all of this why do I still feel in my heart that my husband is my soulmate? Why do I feel like somewhere in Andromeda we made it?! Why do I still cry when he passes my mind?
I know that he doesn’t love me and I know I shouldn’t love him, so then why do I still dream of him?! I know I don’t deserve the pain he inflicts but I somehow feel him and I could have done great things. And if all my dreams come true, what does it all mean?
I don’t want a significant other anymore… I feel as though I just can’t mentally take it anymore..Its just too much work..I’m strong but I just don’t want to have to be anymore….and I know death isn’t an option….
So what does one do who wishes nothing more than to no loner exist…? What does an indigo do when her life is great, but she still cries because she made the only other person who understands her disappear.. I don’t want to be like this anymore…
First off it is NOT your fault, when break up occurs we always try to place the blame on ourselves, what could i have done differently, I should of never said that, i never should of went out that one time… you’re recycling. You have to move out of the victim mentality of blaming yourself for something out of your control. Any kind of breakup is horrible, it scars our hearts and often leaves a gaping void within our being. However the more we focus on recycling the past, how can we build a new future? You can’t. You’re recycling your emotions.
There is a saying about soulmates, they teach you lessons about yourself through the reflective mirror. Soulmates do not always have to be romantic either, you can have soulmates who are teachers to you through your friends and family. There are varying degrees of soulmates so when we limit our perception, we are limiting ourselves. Sometimes relationships come to us for a reason, a season or a lifetime where each are different and have different pathways. Sometimes people can be our subconscious trigger into our own dark night of the soul which is i feel like what happened to you. Relationships are our deepest mirror of ourselves so the fact that you are having doubts about both of these relationships shows me this is an internal issue of the heart. What are you not loving within yourself? What are you not expressing to yourself? A closed heart will bring karmic relationships because we are not being open with ourselves. If we’re not open with ourselves, how can we be open within the relationship? So this is more about internal work than questioning either of these men. You have to see that this is something INSIDE of YOU that is causing these thoughts to project into your reality.
I really feel this is an issue both within the heart and the solar plexus. If we keep placing blame on other people, we are unconsciously telling ourselves the victim mentality. What you are feeling is a mirror reflection of what you are going through internally, you are obviously still hurt about the divorce which is understandable. This is also making you re-think the relationship you have now. So the thoughts you are projecting are causing confusion between your past and your present. You cannot move out of the past, this is your number one problem.
The more we stay in the past, the harder it becomes to grow. The past is over. These events are horrible as they are, happened already, you cannot change them, you cannot do something different, you cannot control the past, you have to accept this. Accept yourself within the present for who you are. If you need closure because he never told you why, try writing a letter to him, get all these thoughts and feelings down, RELEASE them. So YOU can find peace again, so YOU can find closure and move forward. You will find happiness and love again but first you need to find it within yourself.
Sending love and healing light <3
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