Love giving and receiving

Soo my whole life i’ve only wanted to love everyone especially women i’m more attracted to. and not just one (though i’m ok with that) but i’ve wanted to love all of them at once…which brings a lot of problems with jealousy, heart break whether me or her/them etc. … In the process my hearts been trampled to the point of physical pain and lack of ability to breathe. is there any specific meditations you know that work well with opening the heart and protecting it from this damage? The closest i’ve gotten from diverting from this way as well as away from being emotionally aware of peoples personalities has been very self centered and evil oriented and i do not want to go back to that disturbing way. I’ve managed to disperse of my ego quite well and overcome paranoia not by avoiding it but being calm through it and learning what i can from the emotion. (i’ve had a lot of issues over the years with people turning on me, mocking me, threatening me, stalking me and any other way they can find to make me suffer thats brought it into play.) I used to push myself deeper down the hole of suffering through the constant rush of thoughts no matter how hard to face in order to find the answers to my questions and eventually found peace through meditation when suicidal thoughts became much more reasonable to pursue…had my share of kundalini related issues including times where i felt i was dieing resulting in my adrenal glands becoming fully fried and seem to be healed now atleast to a certain degree but i seem to be specifically on the heart chakra and having issues successfully keeping it open…

i had one experience where i meditated down to no thoughts and after awhile i focused all my effort to love for my family, then friends, then my enemies. after i got through everyone i could think of at the time i felt the same love i had felt from a girl i used to be with that meant the world to me. i know enough to realize that its possible to find this internally but i only could manage to keep it going for a few seconds as i was shocked of the possibility…ever since i haven’t been able to get it back. more enemies tend to bother me daily in a threatening manner so it’s been tough to find the love for all of them again…i’m moving to a new area soon so i’ll be able to get away from these kind of problems fairly well and plan on going to a kundalini center there to see what they can do to assist me but so far i believe i’m through the worst of it….i hope…had a years worth of not being able to do nearly anything and now that i’ve switched up my diet to more of a vegan way (i really love chicken though…) i have progressed much more but i’ve still been getting what i call brain zaps anytime i meditate after having a very heavy load on my heart…after a few of these moments my heart opens more, they stop happening and i feel much better but i’ve still felt quite trampled.. also i was born on valentines day if that has anything to add to it. ironic to me where i want to love so much and happen to be born on a day of love…anyways if you can help at all i would appreciate it.

i’m finding my way so far but i have to go back into a working schedule again so i’ve been quite worried healthwise and stress wise to how well i’ll make it and will be wanting to continue making it. atleast where im going i have already experienced a few friendly people that bring me some hope though that girl i mentioned feeling that strong of love from also went cold within a week of separation. (complicated mess) and hurt me dramatically for another despite knowing it would effect me so deeply…so despite a stable mentality, my trust has virtually been completely depleted where as that was the one thing i used to depend on was the amount of love felt from another..but to have it go from full to cold so quickly idk what to do but to find love within myself because i already know i can push through the suffering and find peace. aaalso i had a near death moment where my body/mind was so stressed that i was forced to meditate down to no thoughts (taught me the hard way) and hold it there. i heard a ringing in my ears and after awhile i finally got tired enough to go to sleep. as i was trying to get to sleep the moment i would normally go into a dream (dealt with a couple weeks of sleep paralysis before this) i felt this “lightning bolt” of fear hit me. not a panic attack where it rises but from partial worrying (during my worst parts of feeling death, no heart beat, feeling like i was going to faint all the time etc.) to this high level of fear.. at first i tried fighting it which was SO FUCKING STUPID because that did nothing but make myself so much more stressed because i was not even close to being strong enough to fight it off and felt like it was dramatically killing my brain. so instead i tried letting it do its thing and get it over with. which progressed the fear more and more until i felt like i was going to explode out of my head and once i hit the breaking point i snapped out of it and woke up fully….went back to sleep after an hour or so of researching and faced it again…this time i pushed the emotion of fear forward myself and felt the same exploding feeling and then it stopped. and i felt nothing for a couple seconds. and then i felt the most powerful orgasmic love i have ever felt throughout my whole body and felt like i was going to explode out of my body with that never ending growth of love…amazing experience but kinda broke me more cuz i can’t get even close to that degree of feeling…i know this is a ridiculously long message but from reading some of your responses to others i feel you have a decent degree of insight that may be able to help. otherwise good luck to you and please never give into the mockery that i have seen many of my friends divert to…..also im REALLY curious into how to astral project.. too many questions heh but yeah 🙂

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Well this is certainly a mouthful lol but you’re right i enjoy writing so thanks for sharing.

What you write about the heart chakra is interesting because you mention giving all this love to others but it isn’t until the end of the paragraph you write that maybe i should start giving love to myself. bingo. I think you answered your own question personally haha. Also from the confusing and destructive past you’ve had, i think part of this heart chakra energy is about forgiveness. You also talk about this in your crazy fear experience where you were fighting with yourself until you let go and felt the love. This is because you ARE fighting with yourself, you’re not letting go of your past experiences and you write this repeatedly with your various relationships. It’s almost like a chain reaction, you bounce between lovers because you can’t let go from the past and forgive others/self. So your heart also bounces between wanting to be open to wanting to be closed because you can’t let go and forgive. Sometimes heart chakra is not always about lover relationships, it could also be about friendships, parents, etc. people have wronged you in the past and you haven’t been able to forgive. The Heart chakra is ALL about forgiveness, empathy, compassion, releasing our past and embracing our present. You are struggling because you can’t let go, i can see this very apparently within what you write and i don’t even fully know your situation.

Also that meditation of death/fear was an awakening for you, wasn’t it? It was symbolic to you because it showed you once you stopped fighting yourself you were able to let go and love. truly madly deeply. So i believe this is all about forgiveness of yourself and others in your past. Also i would work on your love relationships, when we bounce between lovers we are not fully commited to them and i know some people like that but this is why you also face jealousy and a lot of karmic bonds. Remember everything is a mirror so your need to love all of these women is really about wanting to love yourself and give that love in return so you like spreading the wealth because you are trying to love within yourself but fighting it for some reason. So i would truly work on self love and relationships you have right now in your life. I’m sure that kundalini center will be awesome for you, i wish you the best.

Don’t get so worked up about the future it will sort itself out and your heart will heal in good time. <3

Happy Birthday 🙂

Ashley
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