This is part 4 of our 5 part series: Symptoms of Awakening
Part 1 – Awakening & The Edge of Insanity, Why Am I losing it?
Part 2 – Going into the Abyss: The Dark Night of the Soul
Part 3 – The Transition Phase: Spiritual Bliss to Stagnation
Part 4 – {You are Here} The Threshold: The Beauty of Ego Death
Part 5 – The Divine Creator: Crafting the New Identity
Kundalini Awakening is a life-altering experience, it can flip your entire world upside down. It also comes with many outstanding profound moments of self-realization and mental clarity.
The Big Kahuna of all of them is Ego Death.
In this Symptoms of Awakening series I decided to focus on some of the more important aspects we experience on the path. It must be acknowledged that awakening is a process. If we choose to decide on an end goal, we’re missing the point by spending too much time in future speak.
Basically covering the process in five articles is realistically only seeing into a small chunk of the journey. There is no end, only infinite new beginnings. It’s endless. This process is truthfully an incredible learning experience that grows with you which is what makes Awakening so beautiful and oh so powerful to witness.
However there is one topic I rarely see mentioned in between advice on raising your vibrations, 5d reports, the light body process, and various articles on spiritual awakening.
There is a big gap leaving out one of thee most important parts of our journey.
That my friends is Ego Death.
WHAT IS EGO DEATH?
Naturally it’s very hard to describe what ego death is because it’s essentially an indescribable experience of miraculous self-realization where your entire identity is removed. However having had numerous experiences with ego death I’ll try to break it down as easy as possible.
Ego Death is basically the absolute loss of the subjective identity. Subjective meaning your personality, emotions, tastes or opinions of your individual experiences. Ego Death is the complete loss of the self.
This is not to confuse Ego as in “egotistical” rather The Ego meaning your Personal Identity or “The self” that makes you “you”. Everyone has an Ego, otherwise “I” wouldn’t exist.
For instance words such as “I”, “I am”, “myself” or any possessive statements have absolutely no meaning within this state of mind known as Ego Death. It feels like the complete dissolution of the self.
In short Ego Death is the obliteration of the Ego.
The Ego is composed of our idea that life is arbitrary and we live in duality. We are separate, alone and completely disconnected from another’s experiences.
However Ego death is about the total derealization that the illusions of separation that we create from our Ego Identity are nothing more than an illusion. They are not real.
I really like this quote from Jana Dixon’s book Biology of Kundalini where she goes on to explain enlightenment:
“Eliade says on page 291 of Yoga, Immortality and Freedom, that both yoga and alchemy are an experiment of “soul;” of austerely using the body as a laboratory for purification toward the final transmutation or perfection. Perfection being to “decondition life, attain freedom, bliss, the deliverance from the laws of time or immortality–ie: enlightenment…
Ego death refers to the death of our resistance to enlightenment. To have mastered life is to realize–Life as Ego Death–is the glorification of the Ego not the degradation of it.”
FEELING NIRVANA AKA ENLIGHTENMENT
“Life as Ego Death is the glorification of the Ego not the Degradation of it.”
Jana’s statement here is a perfect way to understand the true nature of Ego Death. It is the revealing of true reality. Our self removed entirely from our identity of the ego. In different cultures this is known as nirvana, samadhi, enlightenment, shangri-la, Bliss, ecstasy, communion, Brahman, quintessence of man, liberation, the stairway to heaven, or path of the initiates.
During an experience with Ego death, you essentially become a part of the timeless and infinite.
“You” are officially taken out of your experience, detached from the identity where you are then euphorically merged with the continuum. The multidimensional world of various realities, timelines and symbols.
“Ego death is not only a feeling of cancellation of ego’s power-to-control, but a rational understanding of the way in which ego’s control can never be powerful in the way we usually assume and feel.” [ref]http://www.egodeath.com/egodeath.htm[/ref]
It is a perceived loss of our cognitive boundary between our identity and environmental surroundings.
It truthfully is more of a sensation of divine clarity that we are the entire universe experiencing itself, life is infinite, death is an illusion, and that we are eternally connected through the collective consciousness as one. Loving other beings equals loving the self as I am you and you are me.
Nothing is separate. There are no boundaries or limitations. We are the universe experiencing and projecting itself as energy into infinity.
WHAT EGO DEATH ISN’T
There are numerous misconceptions on what is Pure Ego Death.
Ego Death Is Not:
- The sudden realization of one’s place in the universe where we are tiny and insignificant
- Any intense psychedelic or tripping experience that takes you over the threshold. If you experienced psychedelics it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve experienced pure ego death.
- Intense “bad trips” or hallucinations that feel like you are symbolically dying as “ego death”. Bad trips generally reveal the ego but they don’t always necessarily bring Ego death.
- An out-of-body experience or dissociation from reality
- The Belief that everything is not real aka nihilism
- The Dark Night of the Soul is not Pure Ego Death. Despite its name, ego death is extremely powerful and positive, there is nothing negative about the experience of ego death.
HOW CAN ONE EXPERIENCE EGO DEATH?
Many individuals associate any type of powerful psychedelic experience as ego death and this is an extreme falsification of the profundity of the experience of Ego Death. Once over the threshold you can experience powerful states of consciousness without necessarily experiencing the big kahuna, Ego death.
My understanding is that Ego death can happen in varying degrees given the persons experiences and source memories that they are uncovering. For instance an Ego Death experience sober through meditation may be an entirely different spectrum than say ego death on a rare tryptamine. This state is so powerful that the mind after the experience, many be confronted with disbelief, questioning what is actually real and insanity after having witnessed ego death.
Ego death can happen during potent high doses of various drugs such as tryptamines, psychedelics, ergolines{LSD}, mescaline, mescaline derivatives and various others.
While it is more renown in psychoactive drug experiences it CAN happen completely sober in incredibly mind-bending ways. These can include moments during childbirth, meditation, during the process of Kundalini awakening, Kundalini Yoga, and spiritual practices such as the Golden Flower method.
Ego Death isn’t to be taken lightly. It can profoundly change a person. It is at this moment where your subconscious is bare. You are revealing yourself from the beginning of your soul essence from before the moment you were born into the various lifetimes you have experienced on this plane and various dimensions.
It’s a revealing into the memories you long suppressed.
It’s like looking into your soul blueprint and seeing everything is connected through you. All this is memories.
Nothing is separate in this reality. If we believe anything is separate, this is merely a projection of fear or insecurity we place on ourselves through the illusion of separation.
WHAT HAPPENS AFTER EGO DEATH?
Normally once you have experienced an Ego Death your mind is revealed to you. The clarity in this moment creates a bit of self-reevaluation. This can provoke Questioning about life.
Questions Life After Ego Death May Provoke:
- What did I learn from this experience to guide me on my path?
- What beliefs are truthfully holding me back?
- What are ways I can start to Question my choices and my Ego?
- How can I grow stronger?
- How can I become a better or more happier person?
- How can I move forward from this?
- What is the next direction I need to take after this divine experience?
Naturally the mind is literally changed forever due to this sacred experience. If you had your first brush with ego death, you’ll soon realize it’s hard to go back to your old ways of thinking and being.
HOW LIFE CHANGES
Ego Death can change a person because it reveals what lays hidden about ourselves. Basically you see within the good and the bad aspects of your shadow that we need to see, heal and change within.
Afterwards you may experience a type of afterglow as you soak in all this information. Your mind begins to process how we’re going to start integrating this information into our present reality.
Most people will find their philosophies about life and reality sudden change. Their opinions about others, judgments or various drama they used to create, no longer matter.
This creates drastic shifts in our perception of consciousness where our mind will begin to transform. It may suddenly create a huge life shift such as a move, a break up, removing toxic relationships, a new career, a desire to change your life and be happier. It basically allows you to have a non-compliance attitude towards life because you’ve faced death.
After you have seen within yourself and understand the world, normally your old ways no longer cut it.
Therefore the best way to cope is by moving forward in a positive and transformative manner.
Ego Death creates an afterglow but it can also make people feel a little crazy because not many will understand nor listen to these experiences. They are in the realm beyond thought into our feelings and unleashes the nature of our soul blueprint. Seeing into the divine connection of our timelines can be life-altering because you can no longer stand down.
There is no more doubt and best of all these memories never leave you. You take these experiences with you for the rest of your life.
MY PERSONAL STORY OF EGO DEATH
{ WARNING – We’re about to enter the bizarre experience of an Ego Death. This is extremely hard to articulate because this space is so profound that if you haven’t experienced it, it’s hard to believe it. You may think: oh shit she went off the deep end, there may be a resistance that comes up, or you may think I’m making this up. I can tell you everything that happened was entirely real.
I’m sharing to let you know how miraculous ego death can be seen rather than reading the textbook definition. Here’s a real life experience of ego death the best way I could describe. Read at your own risk, it can provoke questioning and contemplation on what is the nature of reality. If you decide to turn away. that’s okay, thank you for reading 🙂 }
Personally the best way I could describe Ego Death is it’s as if you’re in a moment where time stands still and you’re watching your life on a film roll. The illusions are placed before your eyes as each moment that brought pain/fear on your personal timeline is being dissected and revealed that they aren’t real. They’re delusions you have created from your insecurities and fears.
It’s like you’re in a moment of clarity watching your life from a detached perception, suddenly all of the illusions and source memories that guided you to this point are revealed. The illusions you felt – rip apart, vulnerably tearing down the walls of your subconscious, revealing everything to you in this single timeless moment of divine Liberation.
I have had numerous encounters with Ego Death both through various mind substances and entirely sober. Some of my most profound epiphanies since awakening revolved around the beauty of Ego Death. I would say about five of these experiences were miraculously soul-shaking towards changing my direction in my personal life and deconstructing my limitations.
Some of these moments happened during childbirth, another time I was able to foresee into my future, where I predicted the birth of my daughter, a special moment on mescaline happened on the Mayan “apocalypse” dec 21st 2012. I could see the stars connecting together into this energetic formation, each constellation connected by energy creating the collective grid alignment. I’ll never forget that night.
DMT – THE GOD MOLECULE
The biggest was when I felt like I died and came back to life while I was on a high dose of a rare tryptamine compound similar to ayahuasca called 4-aco-dmt. It’s hard to even accurately describe what I saw that night, I felt myself as the tree of life, traveling the Sephirot all the way into the depths of nothingness, the void.
We were in the Jacuzzi where we began encountering Death and dissociation. I felt my body above myself, where my skin felt like blobs that absorbed into my environment becoming one with the energy of space itself. I was no longer a body but an expansive field of energy. I contemplated as if in an echo of myself if this is what death felt like, yet I felt nothing. pure void.
I then began to move upward physically, raising my vibrations with my love who was with me at the time.
The entire trip was literally a life-death-rebirth cycle, we felt we were death, encountered the womb{the bath} arose raising our vibrations {coming back to life} and found union{kundalini sex}. We began symbolically traveling the tree of life.
When you experience ego to the deepest degree your physical reality disappears and you see what death is actually like, what the afterlife is truly like.
Death is absolute illusion. There is no death, only endless life. Your energy aura becomes this mind cataclysm, a blackhole energy and your mental state literally time travels via your consciousness. You tap into your source memories and see into your past lives, deep past lives, different worlds, different realities and see the illusions for what they truly are.
We were in a temple. There were faces on the walls i couldn’t tell if they were aztec, mayan, egyptian or whatever but the walls were breathing, pulsating back at me.
And i heard Thoth’s voice say “ I made this for your protection for you to find one another again” It was alchemy and the old mystery schools, my memory of being a high priestess. I realized not only was I just a temple, I asked to see inside my lover’s mind. I was seeing the world how he sees the world, how beautiful he sees me. How connected we are from the past, present and the future. I saw my star twin, his fears, his dark past. My love’s fear of death and knew from my previous experience upon awakening how divine we actually are, I reclaimed my faith in that moment.
I KNEW this energy wasn’t to be feared, this may be the deepest realm of ego but if I learned anything it’s that behind every ego there is a soul and divine lesson to be learned. Always question the Ego.
I saw how the faces on the walls starting morphing into these bizarre playful beings?! Then as my mind shifted in vibrations, it changed the faces….I WAS in control.
STEPPING INTO THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE
In this moment I found god, I Found the goddess within me and I realized I was in control as a divine creator.
That’s when I snapped out of it, why be in ego when the energy is playful? It wants us to experience joy and happiness. Then my love started to see it too and we realized that the experience is anything but over, it brings you to the threshold for a reason to experience a religious spiritual journey of the soul to true enlightenment.
The symbols are there for a reason but the truth will always be inside of you.
Then we began seeing ourselves within the other as each other’s consciousness. He saw the world how I see the world, He saw the beauty of the world, he saw the positive, he saw himself how I see him and saw our divine connection.We couldn’t of done this alone, we had to do this together through the connection of the other. Love is the basis of existence.
I saw how we all help heal each other, every day with our words, our actions and our feelings towards other frequencies. How life really is magical, deep down. I remember making love to my lover and feeling us transform into two star clusters entirely merging together as one. I looked into his eyes and I saw the milkyway. I felt love like I’ve never seen anything in my life.
In this moment I reached the Godhead.
I was incandescently blissful where I saw the complete destruction of Ego taking place right before me. My mind opened up like it never did before, it was pure clarity, and absolute truth poured out of me. It was the most honest and pure love I’ve ever experienced in my life. We shared a heart to heart taking about what we experienced together.
THIS EPIPHANY CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER
You don’t have to do this alone and I don’t want you to ever think that.
You are helping others every day maybe you’re not even conscious of it but you are.
You are powerful as a person living and breathing, that is what is so beautiful about it. You are living breathing frequencies of sound, rippling out in waves to one another. What we think we become, positive thoughts go a long way into understanding not only ourselves but those around us.
Why aren’t we more caring towards others? Isn’t the best moments in life when we are happy and loving each other? Isn’t the best bliss just holding hands with the love of your life, Why is it so hard to care? As we are all one, reflected projections of the other, why can’t we see the mirror right in front of us?
Why must we hate when we are meant to care? Why must we fear when we are meant to love. forever and eternally.
You are creating a ripple so strong its unimaginable.
The ripple is us as a collective growing stronger. The ripple is our consciousness evolving and ascending every day. We are always healing, we are healing each other and that to me is truly a powerful thing.
When you’re in such a deep state of traveling inside your memories via ego death, you know what is the most powerful feeling of comfort? love. pure unconditional love.
I saw that we all need to care more, we are here for each other. We are everywhere. We’re the neighbor across the street, we’re your grandmother, we’re your mother, we’re the earth, we’re even that guy you can’t stand because he broke your heart or that girl who talks shit about you to invoke drama, we are everywhere. And I guess I decided to share this story because it just made me feel so humbled, truly humbled to the point of tears how sacred life truly is deep down.
There are so many people out there struggling, we don’t know their story, I mean we go to a department store and we all do our shopping and go home. No one talks to one another, we rarely ever take the risk of stepping outside of our comfort zone.
It’s the same for so many others, but what if your ripple is creating a new dent in the universe?
Adam once told me:
“They say when you talk to someone you are giving a tiny piece of your soul to them through the exchange of energy”.
We are all music, frequencies, tone, vibration, Energy.
However we all sing different songs but when we start putting the music together by caring and listening to one another through compassion, we create a harmony as one.
My soul honors your soul.
I honor the place in you where the entire universe resides
I honor the light, love, truth, beauty and peace within you.
In sharing these things we are united, we are of accord,
we are one.
Namaste
Okay I admit, I cried a little after writing this, it was incredibly cathartic for me. I hope it helps you on your own journey. Of course I would love to know:
Have you had an Ego Death Experience? What did it feel like for you? How did it change your life?
Share in the comments!
I always save the best for last!
Part 5: The Divine Creator: Crafting the New identity
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22 Responses
This series of 4 articles really rock Ashley! I can sooooo relate… It also reminds me I still have to write up and send you my own story, the one of the scientist that went through Kundalini… I got my job, status and old life back, as exorcists (real story.. the place I live in still practices this thing… they tricked me into one) found no possession and psychiatrists (yeah… my little ‘crisis’ went public and the system was merciless with me) found no madness… But everything is so different now… It is like i am not interested anymore in those old illusions… Now that the wave of Kundalini is over and the dramatic consequences behind, I know big changes are coming… I long thought my personnal development was over after an first awakening in my 20’s (third eye only) … the brutal opening of my crown chakra last year (now 35 years old) clearly opened new and tremendous perspectives!
The scientist who went through kundalini? That sounds so fascinating John!
I’ve learned we’re always growing, an awakening is truthfully only the beginning
Can’t wait to read your story, you know where to find me ☺
Thank you!
I guess I can add a little to the story. Similar to John, I found myself in the throws of what I now know was an awakening roughly 3 months ago. Outside of normal sleeping pills, I didn’t initiate this state/trip. Instead it started with intense crying(I couldn’t recall the last time I had cried). I felt as though I had died, and this entire existence were false and a way to keep me occupied. Conversations would ultimately end up exactly where I would want them to go subconsciously which was too much for me to handle with no background or knowledge. At the same time I was having rushes of every fear and bad memory that I had stored up over my years. At this point realizing that it was spiraling out of my control, I stepped back from my home office and decided that I needed to Meditate. I had never meditated prior to my knowledge, but the experience was awe inspiring. I managed to tap into my kundalini which felt like basketball sized light shot from the base of my spine upwards to my crown, then back down thru my legs. I could barely walk by the end.
Despite that experience I still couldn’t come to grips with what was happening to my mental acuity. I’m a well balanced individual, normal life, good job etc etc. But having a spouse and young child, i feared that something was wrong and decided to voluntarily commit myself for an evaluation. The evaluation more or less found nothing, but in that setting I found myself and my love for others who all were essentially a part of my being if that makes sense.
It’s like watching a play occur around you, you’re behind the curtain playing chess and completely unaware of the moves that are being set until they slap you in the face. What I learned was to not fight it but embrace it as an experience, and that love and just opening up with everyone around me made everyone better. Prior to this I would say I was a high strung, overly self aware individual who constantly worried about perceptions of others. In a setting with all types of folks who had issues that extended to all levels, I found unity, and decided to no longer pass judgement.
Seeing yourself in others, but then transporting your being into them and essentially wondering if what you perceived as yourself, was just a dream and you’re actually that person, or someone you had interacted with in the past with a disability or alzheimers was actually who you really are. It’s a mind blowing experience on the lines of Carl Jung’s collective consciousness theory. Along the same lines, it’s earth shattering to see the matrix that is this 3d realm broken down in a manner like that.
I can honestly say, leaving my family is the last thing on earth that I would be interested in. I refuse to run, but I’m open and have been just living in the now. It’s not worth worrying about the past, nor trying to shape the future in a way that would only benefit me. Going thru it, I’d say it was the worst event I’ve ever had, but looking back it was eye opening and one of the best ways to reflect on who I really am and what I’m here to do. I know the road will have bumps, and this all could happen again as outlined with others experiences, but this time around I’ll be ready and even more open to what is unfolding.
wow Thank you for sharing! It’s life-changing but it’s one of the most beautiful feelings and xperiences we can encounter. I think the most mind-altering is realizing that we all are connected and those reflections you see within another, are also the ones you see within yourself. In this way nothing is separate, the separation we feel is an illusion. When we create any division we’re also forgetting the reflection, it’s all connected. ♥
I have been experiencing ego death out of the blue since I was a child, I am 27 years old now but find it to be dreadful and horrific. Is there any way to stop this from happening? I feel like I cannot cope with this! It has made me horribly anxious and suicidal. Nobody knows what I am going through or how to stop it. Please, is there some way to just return to normal?
Can you describe your experiences? It sounds you are stuck in a past memory of fear.
Ego Death is basically a moment when you surrender to death. It is actually an extremely positive experience because you are able to let go of the illusions of fear and separation. So i don’t believe this is the same thing you are mentioning. Could you go deeper so I can try to help?
I will try to, but its a very abstract experience and the closest explanation I have for it (through research) is ego death. It is like a hyper-realization of self as if through a series of infinite mirrors, becoming suddenly highly aware of the ego and ‘identity’ but seeing the falsehood thereof: it does not exist, I both am and I am not. I feel like my soul us exploding into both nothingness, the void, and everything that also ‘exists’ as me. Both losing ‘me’ and ‘me’ being overexposed. I am sorry I am trying to express the best way I can. It is excruciating. It happens seemingly out of the blue. I have never taken any drugs and I haven’t been ‘seeking’ out this feeling. I just feel so alone and overwhelmed. Sorry for the long post. This out-of-control state has me feeling very anxious and suicidal at times. Thank you so much for replying to me.
It sounds very similar to a state of dissociation where you believe you are alone in the world, disconnected and that the you that exists is an illusion? It is a fabrication and the feeling you believe you associate with is basically identity loss? This actually sounds more like a dark night of the soul period. It’s where the identity completely dies and the new consciousness starts to reborn.
What happens is we enter this state of out of control dissociation, it feels like an identity loss because the old you, no longer exists and the evolved consciousness is essentially being born. When this happens we face intense thoughts of sucicide, hopelessness, meaninglessness and feel like we’re borderlining basically between two worlds. The old you and the new you.
https://www.theawakenedstate.net/going-abyss-dark-night-soul/
Let me know if this helps <3
I like how you wrote:
”A cataclysm that triggers the destruction of the Ego as our subconscious
breaks through. It gives us a look behind our own face into our worst
fears and insecurities. It is about facing our dark night of the soul to
get to the infinite light of our being.”
Gives me some hope, which is welcome.
There is always hope! I find best comfort in knowing that the universe is taking care of us and supporting us. When we’re able to see our resistance as a stepping stone, we can see our fears are nothing but the teacher to new opportunities. What you feel within your heart is always the right answer, the more you decide to look within the easier it becomes because instead of falling into resistant patterns, we rise above them. Know the universe is taking care of you and you are blessed to rise above it!
Blessings to you <3
You mean well but having spent the last 4 weeks in a constant state of panic, day and night, it doesn’t do much for me at this point 😉
That’s understandable, i’ve done a ton of self-work to get to this point, it’s a process! What is causing you the most panic, maybe I can help I work with the universe 😉
It’s getting better, finally, when I could see I identified with the thought of being afraid of fear, which of course creates more fear sending me in a fearful mind-made hell. It still feel fear all the time but the fear of fear (I can’t take this, I’m going to die, something has to happen, help me!!) is getting less. I’ve been subconsciously identifying with that all my life and thus have had a lot of problems. I could also finally see that I am not my mind and thoughts aren’t real.
I’ve been doing self-work for a long time, I really hope this is that last ego attack as a final push to freedom. To really break free from the false self. Would be great to maybe not feel like absolute shit at some point 😉
I felt like sharing this with someone who understood and with that you helped 🙂
I would instead ask yourself what is the root cause of my fear and how does it relate to my past? Usually our fears stem from our past experiences, to identify it brings awareness for it to heal. Our resistance is resisting change or uncertainty. To overcome it we must identify where it originated. A good place to start for you would be to start empowering your thoughts, empowering what thoughts you are outputting out into the world. I have a reallly good challenge for this you may want to check out, it’s transformative towards fear especially!
Give it a try 🙂
http://challenge.theawakenedstate.net/
The dare to dream workbook should actually help you clarify some of the feelings you are experiencing. Let me know if this helps
Around a year ago ; I experienced what I believe to be my ego death; what commenced this process was two extremely stressful house moves (that’s another story that I’d rather not discuss now). Feelings like I was going to cry bubbled up to heat from the centre of my chest then BOOM I was literally ripped out of this reality in mind and emotions for a brief couple of minutes and experienced the bliss state with that feeling of unconditional love you mention and the deepest emotion I have ever felt with energy spiralling through my body. I was frozen in awe of this force, I vaguely remember the knowing that everything was in order, all is going to be ok; this wasn’t given to me as a message or anything, but just as a knowing. The feeling of oneness and peace then came over me and I felt as though I was connected to the oneness of creation. I cannot find words to describe what this experience was like; there are non in the human vocabulary, nor can I describe where this realm was. it shocked me to my core and has had me questioning reality ever since. What followed for me however was 7 months of the dark night of the soul and not before as described in your guide. That 7 months was the hardest thing I have ever endured in my life, the hardest battle I have ever fought but I got through it, luckily with my wife and daughter but lost family and friends who couldn’t handle my behaviour during this time. All that I am left with now is the knowing that we are infinite beings and that reality is an illusion.
So my ego death happened about 3 weeks ago.
My friends and I went to see one of our favorite Dj’s Bassnectar. It was a three day show (my first three day show). Now all three days I was micro dosing. The first night was absolute bliss…the feeling of complete freedom and full of love and acceptance. The next morning I woke in great high spirits. That night we all got ready and did the same thing (micro dose) but this was alittle different… During the set I could feel particular energies (super overwhelming) but managed to get through it and get back to the show. Went out after the show met some really cool people, also found myself drawn to certain people. Fast foward to the next morning I felt ok, but it was like i was losing something. Fast forward to that night. I decided to do my first ever candy flip (taking mdma and lsd). Popped my molly and went to meet my friends at the venue. Like i said everything was fine. Then before Bassnectar got on I decided to drop my tab. It was almost instant i felt like i had literally left my body. I felt uneasy by this, I’ve never experienced anything like it. During the set i couldn’t get a grip on life itself. It was like I had been placed in this setting and had no idea what and where i was which was weird because I knew where i was but at the same time didn’t. So to say i sat down the entire show. My friends were concerned i tried to explain what it felt like but they didnt understand. Strangers even tried to help me but there was sooo much noise goin on in my head i couldn’t hear them. I could see people, even feel their energies before they even spoke. It was like i could only understand their thoughts and mind..and everything else was jibberish. Another fast foward to after the show. There was so many after parties my friends wanted to hit up..I didn’t wana go but I also didn’t want to be alone because i was scared. All the times I’ve dropped I’ve never experienced anything like this. All the thousands of people just looked so unreal..I’m trying my best to explain. But everybody was the same person. And even with the music going on at these parties it couldn’t drown out the noise i kept hearing…it was like a lout humming but underneath were poeple voices..soo many voices. Finally went back to the room..I took a shower and went to bed. Next morning woke up and I just wanted to cry….so many emotion going on…and i just felt lost. I could see me..touch me..but I didnt know who I was looking at. My friend took me outside to talk, she could tell something wasn’t right. She even said it was like I wasnt even there. She did everything in her power to bring me back..it helped a bit..but i think just having a friendly face and being able to have an intimate really “feely” convo with a beautiful soul helped jump start me. On my way home my friend was talking but it was like i was on auto pilot..i knew what she was saying and somehow my responses were on point..but i had no clue what we were talking about. I fi ally got home to my daughter, boyfriend, and mother and it was like I was meeting them for the first time. I was happy to see them but idk that extra part os still really harf to explain. It took me a while to get back to normal. I literally felt like a baby..so much so that keeping my balance was a task as well. After about 5 days went by i felt a bit “normal” but still not myself which is not a bad thing. My world had become something even bigger. All i could feel was love and positivity and knowing I wanted answers to everything.. I wanted to learn everything and share my knowledge with people who were willing to listen. To this very day my being is truley100% different. And can no longer do things I once did or thought was ok. I can’t drink alcohol just a couple sips and I’m sick, my being won’t allow negative thoughts to enter my mind, no negativity allowed here. My mind is a new born child with the yearning to want to learn and find purpose. Question everything and think for yourself. Know your worth and love yourself for it. Hate less and love more, because your reality is not just your own its also mine. We are all intertwined. Make you mind you friend all things I’m learning on my path. So in short besides being around friends and great music, this experience is the best/ a bit overwhelming thing I have experienced in this life time. I can’t wait to see what else is in store for me. Thanks for letting me share.
True love and peace.
D
Thank you so much for sharing this. I feel like I am in the beginning stages of ego death. It feels as if so much is happening at once. So many shifts occurring. New perspectives of reality. Old versions of myself melting away. New insights pouring in. In some ways, I am holding on for dear life! But this is also the most beautiful journey I have ever been on and with every passing day I embrace it more and am more dedicated to it. I would like to experience what you’ve shared here. It makes complete sense to me, in a way difficult to articulate, just as it was difficult to article the story yourself. But I understand. I can see it. I woke up this morning and could hear my higher self saying to me… it is time you are ready. And I feel I am in a place as a student ready for their teacher(s). One step at a time. TU <3
Lauren it all unfolds through you, the more you are open to shift the easier it becomes to surrender and let go. Acknowledge and Ask for guidance, it will come ♥
Thank you for sharing! I really enjoyed reading this. I’m not sure if what i went through is ego death, since I’m just learning about it, but after reading your writing, I feel like it may have been.
I had an experience with 5-meo-dmt and, for me, it was what restored my faith. I feel like I was in the ‘dark night of the soul’ phase before I got introduced to this medicine. I was struggling with depression and anxiety, and after taking this I felt very grateful for being alive and I was able to understand how I was taking for granted many things. I do not remember most of my first experience with it, as I feel it was a cleanse that I desperately needed, and I had asked for protection and only being able to see what will serve my highest self(I was told after my trip what I had done). I only felt very calm and like I was reborn. I just wanted to smile and hugs felt amazing!
The second time I had an experience with it, I let out hums in different tones (I remember feeling it and hearing myself, but I couldn’t see anything). After those 3 hums I felt like this rush/vibration in my whole body and I felt just completey blissful and I remember hearing a voice speak to me saying to relax and enjoy and I just began saying ‘thank you thank you’ in my head for what I was experiencing. The music and the voices of the people around me started coming back and I opened my eyes and saw them and I just felt like closing them to continue feeling this. I felt like when I had my eyes closed I could still see and feel everyone in the room and that made me feel even happier.
I also remember feeling like I wanted to run out and lay on the grass or hug a tree and just be out in nature. Laying my head on the wall even fel amazing, I wanted to continue rubbing my head on it to feel it’s loving energy.
After these two experiences with it, I am working on raising my vibration and changing my thought patterns. Many changes are happening in my life now and it makes me excited to continue my growth.
Thank you again for sharing. I truly felt the emotion you put into this and it was greatly appreacited. Thank you!
This gave me the confirmation I’ve known, never know what’s true beyond the rambling you know. We are one, and that’s why i always thought my greatest gift was empathy. My higherself name, is phanuel. The face of god, angel(messenger) of judgment and peace. That’s also why i judge myself more harshly then others. I found my mistake thanks to you, my eyes were the color of his hammer. I have no L5, no means of vision of my own because i must follow his. I have this supernatural urge to make peace, every second of every day. It’s also why i experienced everything from all angles. I do mean everything. Now to kill this ego for good.
“wo star clusters entirely merging together as one”
This is impossible, star clusters disperse as they get older and orbit the centre of the galaxy. The Sun was once in a cluster a long time ago.
I had an incredibly powerful Kundalini awakening, and for a time, i felt I was the happiest person on the planet. I went through great transformation, and felt many things, like the experience of great unity among all lifeforms, and the universe by extention itself, as well as the dissolution of duality. It is hard to encapsulate and describe the whole experience, but you begin to realise many spiritual truths at an alarming rate. My natural command of the English language improved, and for a time, all was perfect. Until that fateful day when my classmates collectively threw me down, for something as trivial as the making of a teachers’ day card. I couldn’t take the blow, my energy channels started closing, and my entire body burnt on fire. My whole body was engulfed in great, excruciating pain, and there was no relief, except for the one that came with time. I know what you mean by Ego Death, and what you described in the above article, is easier for me to accept than other ordinary people. Like you have mentioned, the entire experience is hard to explain, but it can be likened to a great upheaval of emotions rising within. Your ego actually strengthens, you become more possessed by your “I am”, and you feel more empowered to do as you will. Your free will is strengthened in a sense, since you become self-absorbed and more of the person that you already are. All these for the adoration of your Ego. You are one, with everything, and that is the final threshold.